Osteen Confession
From Neoredemptive
Original attribution unknown. This text was popularized by Joel Osteen, recited by himself and his congregation at the beginning of every telecast sermon. Many churches have started mimicking the practice.
This is my Bible. I am what it says I am, I have what it says I have, I can do what it says I can do. Today I’ll be taught the Word of God. I boldly confess my mind is alert, my heart is receptive, I’ll never be the same, in Jesus name.
Many minor variations exist, one of which inserts an emphatic "never, never, never, I'll never be the same" before the "in Jesus name".
We have little use for the Osteen Confession. It is a confession only in the most technical sense of the word -- it's a bunch of people saying the same thing. What it is most decidedly not is a Christian confession. The only thing vaguely Christian about it is the closing "in Jesus name"; everything preceding that would be completely agreeable to a Christian Scientist, a Mormon, a Christadelphian, a Jehovah's Witness, or any other heretic in a nominally Christian tradition. (Orson Scott Card would no doubt eloquently chastise us for saying Mormons aren't "Christians", to which we say, as lovingly as possible, "tough". Your doctrines came to the party far too late to get grandfathered in to a presumption of orthodoxy. Heck, we won't even let a Gnostic get away with calling himself a Christian, and his alternative "gospel" was vying for the title a millennium and a half before Joseph Smith showed up.)
Please note what we're not saying: we are not saying that we aren't what the Bible says we are. We are God's creatures, made in His image and marred beyond all human repair by sin. We are not saying that we do not have what it says we have. In Christ by the Holy Spirit, God provides us with all that we need for life and godliness. We are not saying that we can't do what it says we can do. We believe Jesus has called us to even greater works. We are not saying that church attendees should not attentively listen to the teaching of the scriptures. They should. We are not saying that church attendees should have dull minds and callous hearts (although we recognize that many do, regardless of what they confess). We are not saying that the preaching of the word should be ineffective; quite to the contrary, the Christian life is to be a life of constant transformation and renewal as an outworking of God's redemptive agenda.
What we are saying is this: If we're going to confess something, may we humbly suggest that it dwell upon something more real than the self, the self's possessions, the self's capabilities, the self's intentions, and the self's interests? Even something that rises to the level of simple theism -- like maybe the omnipotence of God the creator -- would be a great start, but something distinctly Christian -- the redeeming work of Christ on the cross, the fellowship and empowering of the Holy Spirit, or our identity and fellowship with the whole communion of the church throughout the ages -- would be even better.
